I've hit
6 days now! In a row! It must be some kind of record! And that's even with a
disaster yesterday. My original post got lost in the ether thanks to my iPad
app. I went to find an image, and came back to a blank page. I was pretty
devastated, cuz I was not quite able to replicate what I originally had. I
still had fun writing it over again yesterday.
Today,
much like yesterday, I thought about what I was going to write about on my
drive to the train station. As soon as I get on the train, I bring out my ipad
to start writing, so a plan of some sort is pretty useful. Since the whole
point of this is to encourage me to write daily.
I was
thinking about happiness. I'm generally a pretty happy person, I'd like to
think. I have a lot of good things that keep me going through the I've hit 6
days now! In a row! It must be some kind of record! And that's even with a
disaster yesterday. My original post got lost in the ether thanks to my iPad
app. I went to find an image, and came back to a blank page. I was pretty
devastated, cuz I was not quite able to replicate what I originally had. I
still had fun writing it over again yesterday.
Today,
much like yesterday, I thought about what I was going to write about on my
drive to the train station. As soon as I get on the train, I bring out my ipad
to start writing, so a plan of some sort is pretty useful. Since the whole
point of this is to encourage me to write daily.
I was
thinking about happiness. I'm generally a pretty happy person, I'd like to think.
I have a lot of good things that keep me going through the day. I've had
depression before, and I know the difference from being happy and being sad for
long periods of time. But the question I pose myself now is what is true
happiness? Is anyone really capable of it? Do we perceive ourselves as happy
but others don't? Or are we just deluding ourselves?
Whenever
I think of happiness, as a word, as a feeling, I think of this quote from The
Hours:
"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a
sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to
myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of
course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the
beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."
It was powerful to me at the time I watched that movie, as I was
in a dark place at the time. I had left uni to support my family financially,
and the bills were mounting up. I had credit card debt that I could not see any
light at the end of the tunnel for, and I was working at an unstable
(hours-wise) job. I was clinging onto the memory of happiness, as if it were
this far away thing.
When I found happiness, I couldn't let go of the darkness, and I
still do cling to it. Now I see it in my complaints. I complain all the time,
but like to think I'm genuinely happy most of the time. I have a fine life
here. I'm married to my best friend, and I don't want for much in my home.
Granted, it's never enough. My house is too small, for one. But it's perfect
for two people. It was flooded in 4 years ago, but I never left. I clung to it
cuz it was mine. (Well, it's technically the bank's, but let's not get into
logistics.)
My car is such a piece of crap. I never took proper care of it, so
there's a tiny crack on the radiator, and it leaks water. I really want a new
one. But I don't need a new one. I drive it 5min to my train station every
morning and evening, and I occasionally drive it around time. I really wouldn't
use it more if were a better car. It hasn't let me down completely yet, so I
should be happy that I have a car that takes me to point a & b. And I
am happy that we pay nothing towards our cars aside from the yearly
registration, insurance and petrol. We are pretty lucky with that one.
I'm a happy person. Truly, I am.
I complain, though, about work, people, drivers on the road, the
price of groceries, how much I want but can't have, about my weight and fitness
level.
But I'm lucky. I have a job that I can completely walk away from
every day and not think about when I do leave. I don't bring my work home, as I
used to, and I don't get phone calls every day that I'm off. I could
legitimately have the opportunity to move up, if I so desired, into a management
role, but I don't need to. I might almost want to at this point, to try and
improve the work I do, but I know the truth. If I do, I won't be as happy as I
am now. (Even if I'm not incredibly happy.)
I'm lucky. I am generally pretty optimistic about people's
intentions. Others around me are always cynical, but I'm always looking for the
best in people... Until I get to know them. Then I may be more prone to believe
one thing over another.
I'm lucky. I'm such a cautious driver, that I have not been any
accidents since my first year here. I have lost no points on my driver's
license because of speeding.
I'm lucky. No matter what the price of groceries, I can still
afford them.
Im lucky. Because every week I want something that I am smart
enough not to go out and buy because that ensures I can get the groceries I
need, etc.
I'm lucky. Because I have a gym in my backyard. A fully functional
gym. So when I do want to improve my weight and fitness, I don't have to pay
money to do it. And I've already done it before, so I know what it is I need to
do to back to where I'm content again.
I really think that I'm a happy person. I just have to remind
myself of all of these things from time to time. When you spend so much time being
unhappy, depressed, it takes those daily reminders to reprogram yourself. And
now it's all written down fo me to see whenever I need it. ^_^
No comments:
Post a Comment