I've spent the last day contemplating things. It's taken me something like a month before I've actually decided to write in this blog. I created it to help me with my writing, but now I suppose it's just a dumping ground.
Yesterday, I went to a funeral. It was especially hard because it was for a little baby no more than 15 months old. Since I moved to Australia, I've had three funerals. All have been difficult in their own way. When Daddy died, it hurt so bad. I hadn't spoken very much to him for the final year of his life because I had moved away. I secretly blamed myself for his eventual death, despite the fact that it was his own lifestyle choice that had caused it. The next year, Wayne's father died. And that was difficult for different reasons. It was a long process, and I think that helped Wayne with closure. But it didn't make the pain any less real. This time it was hard for obvious reasons. I can't express how deeply tragic the experience felt.
Today was hard for me. I have a tendency to try and be strong for others when tragedy falls. So I cried very little, and I maintained as much of a smile as I could. I needed to for my best friend. She was godmother, and knew the baby as well as the family. This was harder for her than it ever would be for me. However, today, I had no one to be strong for. No one to keep me from retrospective thinking. So now I struggle. I make a commandment now to all friends and family, that not a single person is allowed to die in the next 30 years. That should be possible!
*sigh*
I need some ice cream...
