Too Much

It has occurred to me that maybe I try to do too much.

When I moved to the other side of the world to be with my fiance', I don't think I realised how much effort would be involved in maintaining relationships. At the time, I thought to myself that only four family members and a few friends would be what I would need to keep ties with. I forgot that other things would get in the way.

Social networking sites have made it easier to stay in contact with people. But honestly, is it enough? Sure, I know that today my friend is taking a son to the doctor, but I don't know what for or if there's something I should be concerned with. Not to mention the fact, that if I were there I would be calling her straight away. But when I see the update, it's already been 8 hours, and I feel my chance to be a good friend is gone.

With Facebook, I have just under 200 friends. Some work friends here, and some friends that live in another state, but most are old high school friends or friends before I moved. That's a lot of people to keep up with. Probably 50% of those make regular status updates, while the other 50% don't. I have friends in the same town as me that I rarely get to see or speak to. Technology has linked so many people together, but how much of it tears people apart as well? I can communicate in seconds with someone 16 hours away from me, but do I?

Let's not also discount the fact that other things happen in your life. I work full-time. I have a massive love of video games, and reading, and watching movies, and writing. So what takes priority? Other than the obvious work, eat, sleep? I can multitask. I read my FB and Google Reader and Twitter on a regular basis while I watch something or I'm playing WoW. But I rarely use my phone to call people anymore. And I find I forget websites on a regular basis. Especially my forum(s). I stay connected, but I feel disconnected from everything.

Something has to give. Where do you find the balance between all of these things? I also want to start working out and getting back into some shape that isn't round around the belly. So what do I do? Do I make myself a schedule of when I do certain things? That way I have to stick to it? How does that help with my wanting to write as well? Do I make it a priority when I suddenly feel the urge and inspiration to write? So many unanswered questions, and with not a single person to answer. (As I've kept this blog fairly private.)

ughhh....

Disrupt the Balance

I was three years old. When I first started realising things were different. I didn't even know other children or hardly anyone besides my parents and grandparents. I woke up and all the furniture was gone. I was sleeping on the floor. I can't remember now if I was sore from having been there or not.

All I know is I was confused.

I learned from a very early age where my place in the world was. I couldn't tip the balance by asking too many questions or behaving inappropriately. So I never asked what happened that day. With a certainty, I can say now that not everything was gone. But when you wake in a room that was once filled with stuff and there's nothing there, even as a child, you wonder what's amiss.

It was pawned... And like so many other times in my life, it was the things that I had grown accustomed to. And taken for granted.

I still don't know if it was only for booze money or a need to pay bills because the booze had taken too much money. Or if there were other things involved like drugs. I never asked. I probably never will.

And that was only the beginning...

I'd get money for birthdays. I don't remember spending it. I loved to save. I wanted to save for specific things. Nothing I can think of now, though. I just remember liking to know the feeling of having cash in some form. I would never have it long, though. Not once did I spend my own money until I got my own job.

It's a funny thing, though. I used to find myself asking for a book and getting it. I suppose at the time it was a matter of, "I owe her this one thing." But as I think about it, I didn't even actively start doing that until I was a preteen. Disrupting the balance, you see?

Even as I type this, I feel the urge to just delete it. Speaking of such things was certainly a disruption, and it wasn't until my senior year of high school that I spoke anything of it. I didn't realise that most people already knew what I thought I was hiding. Funny thing, life. The things you think are a certainty aren't always such.

This is only a taste. And it's not even the worst part. And funnily enough, I still don't think I had it bad off. But from time to time, the memories come rushing back. For the time being, I'll document what I can. It might cure my overwhelming writer's block...