Yay!

I successfully wrote something! Too bad I'm drugged up and tired. It's probably incoherent. Tis my review of the amazing Inception. Wish more people read these two blogs. /sigh

Brainstorming sucks

Trying to come up with a decent story arch all day for the book. I know how my characters start out, and I know how I want it to end, but the middle part is driving me crazy. Perhaps I should just start and once I get into a steady string of thought, it may come to me...

Yay for update-ness! >.>

Now

It's writing time. And it rhymes.

Too Much

It has occurred to me that maybe I try to do too much.

When I moved to the other side of the world to be with my fiance', I don't think I realised how much effort would be involved in maintaining relationships. At the time, I thought to myself that only four family members and a few friends would be what I would need to keep ties with. I forgot that other things would get in the way.

Social networking sites have made it easier to stay in contact with people. But honestly, is it enough? Sure, I know that today my friend is taking a son to the doctor, but I don't know what for or if there's something I should be concerned with. Not to mention the fact, that if I were there I would be calling her straight away. But when I see the update, it's already been 8 hours, and I feel my chance to be a good friend is gone.

With Facebook, I have just under 200 friends. Some work friends here, and some friends that live in another state, but most are old high school friends or friends before I moved. That's a lot of people to keep up with. Probably 50% of those make regular status updates, while the other 50% don't. I have friends in the same town as me that I rarely get to see or speak to. Technology has linked so many people together, but how much of it tears people apart as well? I can communicate in seconds with someone 16 hours away from me, but do I?

Let's not also discount the fact that other things happen in your life. I work full-time. I have a massive love of video games, and reading, and watching movies, and writing. So what takes priority? Other than the obvious work, eat, sleep? I can multitask. I read my FB and Google Reader and Twitter on a regular basis while I watch something or I'm playing WoW. But I rarely use my phone to call people anymore. And I find I forget websites on a regular basis. Especially my forum(s). I stay connected, but I feel disconnected from everything.

Something has to give. Where do you find the balance between all of these things? I also want to start working out and getting back into some shape that isn't round around the belly. So what do I do? Do I make myself a schedule of when I do certain things? That way I have to stick to it? How does that help with my wanting to write as well? Do I make it a priority when I suddenly feel the urge and inspiration to write? So many unanswered questions, and with not a single person to answer. (As I've kept this blog fairly private.)

ughhh....

Disrupt the Balance

I was three years old. When I first started realising things were different. I didn't even know other children or hardly anyone besides my parents and grandparents. I woke up and all the furniture was gone. I was sleeping on the floor. I can't remember now if I was sore from having been there or not.

All I know is I was confused.

I learned from a very early age where my place in the world was. I couldn't tip the balance by asking too many questions or behaving inappropriately. So I never asked what happened that day. With a certainty, I can say now that not everything was gone. But when you wake in a room that was once filled with stuff and there's nothing there, even as a child, you wonder what's amiss.

It was pawned... And like so many other times in my life, it was the things that I had grown accustomed to. And taken for granted.

I still don't know if it was only for booze money or a need to pay bills because the booze had taken too much money. Or if there were other things involved like drugs. I never asked. I probably never will.

And that was only the beginning...

I'd get money for birthdays. I don't remember spending it. I loved to save. I wanted to save for specific things. Nothing I can think of now, though. I just remember liking to know the feeling of having cash in some form. I would never have it long, though. Not once did I spend my own money until I got my own job.

It's a funny thing, though. I used to find myself asking for a book and getting it. I suppose at the time it was a matter of, "I owe her this one thing." But as I think about it, I didn't even actively start doing that until I was a preteen. Disrupting the balance, you see?

Even as I type this, I feel the urge to just delete it. Speaking of such things was certainly a disruption, and it wasn't until my senior year of high school that I spoke anything of it. I didn't realise that most people already knew what I thought I was hiding. Funny thing, life. The things you think are a certainty aren't always such.

This is only a taste. And it's not even the worst part. And funnily enough, I still don't think I had it bad off. But from time to time, the memories come rushing back. For the time being, I'll document what I can. It might cure my overwhelming writer's block...

Mindless Dribble

This morning, I have woken to the sudden need to write. I find it difficult to get started sometimes, though, and so I thought perhaps coming on this blog would help me out. I get easily distracted. Even as I wrote that, I started to change channels on the TV. But who can blame me? Pinky & the Brain is WAY funnier than Futurama. So I have to keep writing. Even if it's mindless dribble.

I have a goal this year. Two months from now, I plan on starting the large job of getting my book published. The first step will be getting it edited, which will probably not be 100% fun. Even though a few people have read the book now and told me it was good, I still have my suspicions. And I fear of its marketability. Thankfully, it hasn't totally discouraged me from continuing on. Two other books in the works now. One a followup to my previous book, that will get published eventually. haha The other my first fantasy.

Currently, my attentions are on the fantasy. As I haven't even had the first book published, I can't justify spending so much time on a sequel that might not see the light of day. Being realistic is contradictory to being a writer, I hear, but I'm too old to be fanciful. At least, I'd like to think so.

Thoughts

I've spent the last day contemplating things. It's taken me something like a month before I've actually decided to write in this blog. I created it to help me with my writing, but now I suppose it's just a dumping ground.

Yesterday, I went to a funeral. It was especially hard because it was for a little baby no more than 15 months old. Since I moved to Australia, I've had three funerals. All have been difficult in their own way. When Daddy died, it hurt so bad. I hadn't spoken very much to him for the final year of his life because I had moved away. I secretly blamed myself for his eventual death, despite the fact that it was his own lifestyle choice that had caused it. The next year, Wayne's father died. And that was difficult for different reasons. It was a long process, and I think that helped Wayne with closure. But it didn't make the pain any less real. This time it was hard for obvious reasons. I can't express how deeply tragic the experience felt.

Today was hard for me. I have a tendency to try and be strong for others when tragedy falls. So I cried very little, and I maintained as much of a smile as I could. I needed to for my best friend. She was godmother, and knew the baby as well as the family. This was harder for her than it ever would be for me. However, today, I had no one to be strong for. No one to keep me from retrospective thinking. So now I struggle. I make a commandment now to all friends and family, that not a single person is allowed to die in the next 30 years. That should be possible!

*sigh*

I need some ice cream...