Social Indifference

It became readily apparent to me today that I lack a certain level of indifference towards what others think of me. I came home today upset because I found out something throughout the course of the day. It seriously had wrecked my world, and after telling my husband about it, he casually said, "And?"

See, my dear significant other is of he mindset that what others think of you doesn't matter. As long as you're happy with you, and you know that at least one other is fine with you, then not much else matters. Obviously, because I'm married to the man, and he to me, it's clear that I shouldn't care one way or another how I come across to anybody else.

I suppose I see the reasoning in that. Okay, I do see it. However, living by that is quite a different story. It's been quite a long time since I had to deal with this, though. I had imagined that I was well and truly alright by this point. The last time I strove for the attention of another, I was still living on the other side of the world, and I was still caught in the same headspace that I had been while in high school.

Today, I found out for certain that one of the people I work with doesn't like me. We've had a strained relationship from time-to-time, because they're my boss and they can be a bit of a dick sometimes. But I've always overcome that, and I'm generally quite nice to the guy. I had assumed at certain points that he did have a problem with me, but I had no way of -really- knowing. Sure, he denied my one-time offer of a friend request on FB, over a year ago, but that could mean anything.

It was a silly way to find out too. Almost the way a high school student finds out someone doesn't like them. I was simply not invited to a party that he was trying to keep secret from me. Absolutely childish, if you ask me.

What's even more childish, though, was my reaction. I pretended I heard nothing of it. Despite hearing him do the "shhh" sound close after it was mentioned. And then the rest of the day, I felt rejected and deceived. My head went all over the place, "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? Who else doesn't like me?" And then started to realise so much more. Like how I hadn't been offered to do a girl's night out, or told about a going away dinner, or how not a single person actually talks to me on a daily basis outside of hello, etc.

And that upset me. It still does. But I can't do anything about it. It's not like I'm a witch to these people. I'm genuinely nice every day. I try and put on a brave face and smile every day, but it doesn't help at all.

And so that's where I'm at today. Unable to write in my book because I'm so unhappy about a stupid party. Go figure...